Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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