what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize