You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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