Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
