WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
