why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
