I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
