Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
