remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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