Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
