This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
