She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
we're making bets on your personal life
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
