Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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