My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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