I wish I could punch you in the face.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
