And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
