Barsexuality is the new black.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
