Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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