; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
