I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
