Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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