I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
