I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize