I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
