Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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