Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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