everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
