I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
he's single and there are thong briefs.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
