The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
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