Will you blow on my dice?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
