I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
