and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
