The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
