peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
