did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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