I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You need Xanax blowdarts
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
