Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
