I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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