i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
