I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize