I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
