my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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