I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
