I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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