Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
