Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
