I wanna bring you to show and tell
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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