All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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