Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
