I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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