Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
