i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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