I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
