You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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