dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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