i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
