so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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