I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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