I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
